~*Princess Priscilla*~ (princesscilla) wrote,
~*Princess Priscilla*~

I could sit here for hours and just read my old posts. A big part of my life is here on livejournal and for that I am thankful. Although it has been almost 3 years since I have last updated, I have had this journal for almost 14 years, which means I have alot of posts! I always say I need to update more, but I know I wont..

Being an adult is tough. I am already 28, which means Im nearing 30. That freaks me out beyond believe. I am no where near where I thought I would be. Growing up, you have a picture of your life... successful career, marriage, children.. all those which I assumed would be a part of my life. But 28 years old and I have none of that. A year ago I graduated with my bachelors degree. It was alot of hard work, but worth it in the end. I am grateful to have my degree, even though I am not using it yet. I need to start looking for a new job soon and that scares me so much. I hate having to put myself out there and interview for a job.. its one of the scariest things ever for me. I work in a childcare center, that I enjoy but the pay isnt good. I want to make something out of my life and working in daycare isnt going to do that for me. I have always said I dont want to spend my life working in daycare and after 10 years I am still saying it. I need to move on. I need to find a job that will allow me to support myself and give myself the life that I want and deserve. I need to be happy with my career and be somewhere that I want to be for many years to come.

I just want my life to begin. I want to start a family. I would love to find a man and get married and settle down. But more than that I want to be a mommy. I want to have my own child who I can raise and love and encourage and support. As much as I would love to have a man by my side, I want a baby even more. I am terrified that its never going to happen. I am afraid that I am going to be alone my whole life and never get the chance to be a mommy. Doesnt God know that I am ready? Doesnt he want me to be happy by allowing me to find love and start a family? I have complete trust in God and his plan. But I cant help but wonder what he is waiting for.. Is it me? Am I just not able to love someone in that way? Maybe I am meant to be alone... but then how can I have a baby? Its the most important thing to me. The fear that it isnt going to happen overcomes me sometimes. Late at night when Im trying to sleep I just cry because I want my life to begin and I have no idea when it is going to happen.

I want to be happy and for the most part I am, but theres a part of me that isnt happy. I am beyond bless to have such amazing family and friends. I am grateful for the handful of people in my life that have stuck by me and love and support me. I wouldnt be where I am without them. They are the best part of me. My parents, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, my best friends, all of the kids in my life.. every one of them hold a special place in my heart.

My life isnt bad. I do have a job that I enjoy and a nice apartment with my sister. Im almost done paying off my car, but that will soon be replaced with student loans. I still go to church at All Saints and am happy to have a second home there. I have everything that I need... a roof over my head, food, water, clothes... all the things that allow me to survive...

Sometimes I wish I could go back in the past when life was easy and carefree. Though at times I didnt feel like it was easy, when I look back I know it was. I think about my past often and love looking at all my old pictures. They make me smile because it was such a fun time in my life. Back before I had to worry about bills and about my life in general. My future is still bright and I know that I am still considered young and have time to be successful. I just hope that time comes soon because I am tired of waiting. Im ready for life to begin...

Although no one will read this, I always end my posts the same way and this post is going to be no different... Love yall and God Bless
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